A Conspiracy
by Pipsky
Summary: Why is everyone so interested in the Snorclacks? All will be revealed in later chapters. Parody written by me and a friend. with some SSMMAD mixed in. ENJOY!
1. Chapter 1

_This story was written by me and my friend Pip, who doesn't have an account. We have finished it, and I will get round to typeing it up sometime in the near future._

_KUNG HEI FAT CHOI!!! (in advance)

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Harry Potter sang merrily as he skipped down the corridor leading to charms. On the way he bumped into Professor Snape. 'Hi!" said Harry, in a freakishly high pitched voice.

Snape looked taken aback, but he quickly recovered himself. 'Potter' he sneered, before continuing dramatically down the corridor, bashfully returning to retrieve the lacy tea-cosy that had fallen out of his pocket. 'Potter' he hissed, storing the tea-cosy in his coat 'You saw nothing. Repeat'

'You saw nothing' said potter obediently

Snape walked off and Harry put his invisibility cloak on and followed Snape down to the dungeons. (Harry had recently developed a passion for stalking people) He pressed a stubby finger to his lips as a reminder to keep quiet. "SHHH" he shouted to himself.

Snape whipped round "Potter" he sneered, striding towards the wall so he was exactly 2,3 inches away from Harry's face.

Potter chirped up "Yes Sir?"

Snape looked around. "Where are you Potter?"

Harry whipped his cloak off. "Here I am sir!"

Snape prodded Harry in the chest with his wand, burning a hole in his robes Harry looked down at himself in dismay, proclaiming "My chest toupee!"

Suddenly McGonagall appeared, dressed only in her underwear, "sevipoos!" she cooed.

Harry began to scream. "I'm scarred for life!" He paused. Then continued, "No, seriously, have you seen my forehead?" He jabbed his wand at the lightning-shaped scar on his forehead. "Ow"

McGonagall rolled her eyes. "Always such a drama queen Potter, be off with his head!' The two men stared at her. "I mean, be off with you!

"Okay!" Harry skipped off in a random direction, presumably under the impression that he was heading for his execution.

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_Next chapter: DUMBLEDORE!!! With a lot of ADSSMM. Hope you enjoyed it! And remember – reviews equal GOOD KARMA_


	2. Enter Dumbledore

CHAPTER 2

Dumbledore limped round the corner, and noticing McGonagall's lack of clothing began to drool like a dog. "Waiting for me Minerva?"

McGonagall looked him up and down disgustedly. She snorted. "You!" she scoffed, though she winked rather obviously at him. Apparently Snape was too thick to notice this, because he didn't complain at all.

"What happened to your knee Headmaster?" asked Snape disinterestedly.

Dumbledore looked baffled. "What knee?"

"Well you know your KNEE." Replied Snape, flexing his leg.

"Oh that," said Dumbledore, lifting his robes to reveal a teapot glued to his knee. "I had a slight problem with a teapot and a permanent sticking charm"

"Ah." Said Snape, drawing Minerva aside. "I think the headmaster may be suffering from a complex magical disease, known as insanity."

"Will he be alright?" she asked?

"Yes" he whispered, stroking her hair lovingly.

McGonagall crooned "Severus I would stroke your hair too if it wasn't so greasy."

"Greasy! My hair! Never!" exclaimed Snape, stroking his hair while drops of oil slid down his fingers." McGonagall looked slightly put off.

Dumbledore, who had been twiddling his thumbs pointedly for the last few minutes, coughed loudly. McGonagall glared irritatedly over her shoulder at him. Dumbledore winked suggestively back, elbowing her in the ribs.

"Ow!" she screamed. Snape jumped backwards, and noticed Dumbledore. "Headmaster! I didn't see you there!"

"Severus, I've being standing here for the last ten minutes, and having a conversation with you."

Snape looked puzzled. "Really? How very strange, I was under the impression I was talking to dobby."

McGonagall chimed in innocently "easy mistake to make, that! I had quite a shock one night when I returned to m hy chambers to find a house-elf in my bed wearing a pair of boxers and drinking hot chocolate' McGonagall glared pointedly at Dumbledore, who stared blankly at the ceiling. "So you, I can see why you thought Albus was a house-elf.", and a very wrinkly one at that, especially around the buttocks."

Snape looked upset. "How many boyfriends do you have exactly?"

McGonagall looked affronted, "are you implying I only have two?"

Snape looked shocked. "How many?"

McGonagall looked ashamed, "Only you two," she sniffed mournfully "I recently broke up with Alastor."

"Moody?" queried Dumbledore.

"Oh no," said McGonagall "Riddle - he-who-must-not-be-named and Hermione's son? Remember him?"

"Hermione's son!" Snape said disgustedly. "But he was called Hugo! I mean, what kind of a name is Hugo anyway!" _A/N: no offence to all people named Hugo out there_

McGonagall looked confused, "Oh, that Hermione! I was talking about the one who accidentally went back in time and became a death eater." Dumbledore and Snape stared at her. "You know, Bellatrix Lestrange?"

"Bellatrix?"

"No, Hermione"

"But you just said it was Bellatrix Lestrange"

"Yes well that was after she went back in time and became a death eater, poor thing."

"Yes, you've said"

"Have I?"

"Yes."

"Oh," she said. "Suspicious."

"I suspect it's memory potion" said Snape.

"Or a nargel" pointed out Luna LOvegood helpfully. Unbeknown to the teachers, Luna had been watching them flirt/argue for a while. McGonagall looked flustered.

"Miss Lovegood" she said sharply, removing Severus' hands from her waist. Snape stubbornly put them back on again. Luna giggled.

"Ooh, do you have a Gurdyroot infection?"

McGonagall looked uncomprehending. "What do you mean?"

"Well you must have a Gurdyroot infection in your waist – its poisonous I expect." Luna dreamily held McGonagall's waist in her hands.

"Get off her, she's mine!" barked Snape.

"No, she's mine!" snapped Dumbles.

An expression of understanding came over Luna's face. "Oooh." She said, eyebrows wiggling suggestively. "you two, three-"

McGonagall cut her off with an indiginant squeal. "Miss LOvegood!" she exclaimed, shocked.

"What?" said Luna, looking confused. "I was going to say you're hunting for the Crumple-headed Snorclack!"

McGonagall's nostrils flared. Luna disregarded this, though it was a sign of danger. "Incidentally, why are you only wearing your underwear?"

McGonagall blushed.

_A slightly longer chapter this time, hope you enjoyed! Reviews are always appreciated… Also, how do you spell snorclack??? _


	3. Enter Poppy

CHAPTER 3

Luna turned abruptly to Snape. "I think that's rather a fetching moustache, Professor."

"I don't have a moustache" he said, stroking his bare and rather sweaty upper lip.

"No, I was talking to Professor McGonagall."

McGonagall looked pleased, and stroked her moustache proudly as it bristled. Suddenly it fell off.

"Minnie!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "It's a fake! You lied to me!"

"No I didn't!" said McGonagall, hastily bending down to retrieve her moustache from the floor. There was a loud crack, and a yelp from McGonagall.

"Minnie!" they all yelled (except Luna, who laughed.)

"My back!" McGonagall shrieked. "It's stuck!"

Dumbledore tried to wrench her into an upright position using his little finger. "Do not fear," he said "Dumbledore is here!"

Snape sighed. "Minnie, you could have just used a summoning charm."

"Helpful Severus, real helpful." She screamed again as Dumbledore tried to lift her up.

"Miss Lovegood!" barked Snape "Fetch Madame Pomfrey immediately!" Luna floated off dreamily.

Dumbledore yelled "Faster! My love is at stake!" Luna stopped to vomit behind a pillar.

"That's the second student we've scarred for life today." Said Snape conversationally. . McGonagall groaned and fell to the floor

"Tabby!" screamed Dumbledore. He leant over her, scrabbling at her closed eyes. From McGonagall came a loud snore. Dumbledore sprang up, disgusted. "How could you scare us like that!" he said.

Severus took McGonagall by the shoulders, and beginning dabbing at her forehead with a damp cloth he had just conjured. He stroked her ear distractedly whilst dabbing at Dumbledore's cheek, saying "This-sticky-bit-won't-come-OFF!" He snarled agitatedly, aiming his wand at Dumbledore's cheek. "Reducto!" he screamed. Dumbledore shrieked and flew backwards. "Oops," said Severus, "Wrong spell"

McGonagall perked up noticeably at Dumbledore's injury, just as Luna appeared with an out-of-breath Madame Pomfrey. Poppy stared at McGonagall's lack of underwear confusedly.

Severus moved in front of Minerva, "Pervert." He said disgustedly. Poppy blinked in surprise.

Minerva groaned in pain on the floor, rather pointedly.

"My," began Poppy uncertainly. "What nice underwear you have Minerva." A look of shock appeared on her face as she realised what she had just said. McGonagall gasped and her arm clunked to the floor.

"She's dead!" cried Dumbledore.

Severus screamed "Who does mouth to mouth?"

Poppy looked insulted, as a first aid specialist, she obviously knew how to do mouth to mouth. But snogging, wait! Giving 'mouth to mouth' to the deputy headmistress would be rather… awkward. Severus sighed impatiently, and began snogging McGonagall furiously.

"You're doing it wrong!" yelled Poppy, and pushing Snape off she began to give 'mouth to mouth' to McGonagall instead.

McGonagall shot up. "Lesbian!" she screamed

Dumbledore looked outraged. "And what's wrong with being gay!?"

McGonagall's jaw dropped open "You're GAY?" Dumbledore looked away, whistling out of tune and twiddling his thumbs. "You're gay?" she repeated.

Dumbledore blushed. "Well I was going to tell you." He mumbled.

"When!?" she screeched. "After we'd gotten married?"

Dumbledore turned to Poppy angrily. "You told her?!?"

Snape looked upset. "She's mine you miserable old man! Mine! All mine!"

There was a long silence. Then - "Hem hem"

_Guess who! Next chapter should be up shortly, hopefully a bit longer than this one. And, if you've read this far, why not review??? You know you want to… _


	4. Enter Voldie and a Toad

_Chapter Four! Wow, this is a lot longer than the stuff I usually write, but it was written by me AND my friend Pip ENJOY!_

CHAPTER FOUR

"Hem Hem." Dolores Umbridge dressed in her worst pink cardigan and stockings popped out from behind a pillar.

McGonagall began whispering something under her breath. Leaning closer, Severus discovered she was actually whispering "Avada Kedavra is illegal" over and over again.

Umbridge smiled in a strained way, her flabby cheeks spreading across her face. "Minerva," she said. "What a pleasure to see you! Interesting choice of clothing…"

Severus clutched his wand tightly. "Avada Kedavra is illegal" he began repeating.

Minerva grimaced.

Dumbledore sniffed. "Delores," he said.

Umbridge smirked. "What an … inappropriate position to be found in, Minerva."

McGonagall was about to draw her wand, but was stopped by Dumbledore, who was starting to speak. "Delores," he sighed. "You know how I feel about you." McGonagall flushed scarlet and brandished her wand again, thrusting it towards Umbridge's left nostril. "I mean," He continued, "I despise, loathe and detest every ounce of your vile being."

Umbridge sniffed indignantly and began to choke. McGonagall cheered loudly, and her and Severus began singing "Ding Dong the witch is dead, the wicked witch is dead!" loudly and out of tune.

Halfway through hyperventilating, Umbridge turned around and began to dance towards Luna.

Luna screamed. "Her brain's been infested with miniature goblins!"

"OMG!" cried Mr Power Dumbledore.

"Huzzah!" yelled McGonagall, and began a lively jig with Snape.

Luna screamed again as Umbridge approached her. "Aaaah! Save me!" Madame Pomfrey promptly began beating Umbridge with a stick, to distract her from Luna.

Umbridge whipped round, baring her teeth and flaring her nostrils.

Dumbledore screamed like a girl, gathering his skirts and jumping into Snape's arms.

"GAH!" shouted Snape, dropping Dumbledore with a loud thump. Severus and McGonagall drew their wands and yelled "Stupefy!"

Umbridge fell to the floor. "Is she dead?" asked McGonagall hopefully, prodding Umbridge's limp body with her finger.

Dumbledore bent down and began to pull at her neatly curled hair and ridiculously girlish pale-pink bow. Umbridge shot up, an eerie glint in her eyes. She started walking like a zombie towards Dumbledore.

"Oh my Lord!!" said Snape, crossing himself furiously. "It's a ghost!"

"It's an Inferi!" said McGonagall, gripping Snape tightly.

"Let's see shall we?" said Luna, moving in front of Umbridge. "Excuse me; are you the imprint of a departed soul?"

Snape glared at her ferociously, causing McGonagall to swoon and grab his elbow. "Oh Sevipoos!" she whispered, "You looked so attractive when you bared your teeth!"

Dumbledore bared his teeth flirtatiously, just as Umbridge lunged towards Luna's throat. Luna screamed shrilly, flailing her arms. She then fainted, not very gracefully.

Voldemort poofed in front of her, cackling in an extremely clichéd way. "Now my evil plan is complete! We can kill the girl, so the whereabouts of the mighty Crumple-Headed Snorclack will remain hidden!"

"The Crumple-Headed Snorclack doesn't exist" said Hermione automatically, as she appeared and disappeared in a puff of purple smoke.

Voldemort snorted. "No such thing! Why, that would mean that I was wrong. The Crumple-Headed Snorclack is a terrifying creature that I can use to take over the world! And me and Bella can rule it together!"

"Oops," mumbled Dumbledore "There goes my 'defeat Voldemort using the power of love because he doesn't love anybody' plan"

Voldemort flinched. "Of course I don't love anyone" he said hastily, hiding the giant heart tattooed across his shoulder, which bore the words 'VoldiexBella forever'

Dumbledore gasped and declared dramatically "I was wrong! Tom Riddle as in love with…"

Voldemort crossed his fingers and whispered. "Not Bellatrix Lestrange, Not Bellatrix Lestrange" to himself.

"… Hermione Granger!"

There was a stunned silence, but Voldemort quickly recovered himself. "Why… yes… yes, I do love Hermione – er – Granger…yes, the mudblood… Not Bellatrix" he scoffed "Why would you think that!

"Wait a second!" said McGonagall. "Bellatrix is Hermione! Remember the time-turning story?" she said to Dumbledore and Snape, who nodded as though they actually remembered. "See! There!" She wiggled her eyebrows knowingly, which annoyed Voldemort.

The stupid woman was being all… knowing and such. Voldemort suddenly pointed his wand at her, yelling "Avada Kedavra!" Two screams, a flash of green light, and – McGonagall was still standing. Voldemort looked confused. "What's going on?" he said rudely. Suddenly he stopped. He moved slowly towards a body on the floor. Bellatrix.

_I didn't like killing off Bella! But we needed someway to finish of the story. There is still one more chapter, where most loose ends will be tied up, hopefully. I'll get round to typing it up soon. Reviews are always nice! _


	5. Exit?

_Remember, Bella just died. (Sniff!!!)IN this chapter, most loose ends will be tied up (hopefully) and even more people will die. Haha, we're evil aren't we!_

CHAPTER FIVE

Voldemort screamed. The people around him were blasted back in the force of his rage.

Dumbledore got up slowly "It seems, in your anger, you killed her." McGonagall muttered something about Albus watching too many muggle movies.

Voldemort spun round "Shut up!" he yelled

Dumbledore looked disappointed. "Tom." He sighed. "Tom, Tom, Tom." Voldemort glared. "I had hoped that you would learn to –" There was a flash of red light.

"Albus!" Minerva screamed. She ran towards his limp body, leaving Severus's arms, "Albus!" she screamed frantically "Enervate! Enervate"

Dumbledore jumped up. "Tom, Tom, Tom" he continued. "You must repent."

McGonagall snorted. "Like that's ever going to happen."

Voldemort turned on her. "Shut up!" he growled. He childishly decided he didn't like his woman, with her tartan, and her… well, her braininess. She'd made him kill – kill Bella… Voldemort noticed a strange wet substance dripping down his cheeks. Snape's fingers itched to reach into his pocket and bring out his handkerchief. "What's this?" wondered Voldemort.

"It's a tear…" said McGonagall.

'There she goes again with her braininess' thought Voldemort. The stupid woman. He'd… He'd killed… He'd killed Bella.. The love of his life. More wet drops of 'tears' trickled sown his cheek. "I'm sorry Bella." He whispered.

McGonagall coughed awkwardly. "Pardon?"

"I'm sorry!!!!!" he screamed.

There was a large explosion, and a flash of pink light, then a glaring white light which temporarily blinded everyone in the vicinity.

McGonagall gasped, putting a hand to her mouth, the other grabbing on Severus' arm. Her eyes were fixed on the spot where Voldemort had been. Now, there was only a pile of ash.

"Tom?" croaked Dumbledore

Luna and Umbridge were on the floor, not moving. Severus and Minerva clung to each other tightly. Dumbledore crouched over the pile and poked it cautiously\y, all the while groaning "Tom, Tom , Tom" Ash sifted through his crooked fingers.

Hermione ran in, her face pale. "Professor!" she called "Professor! It's Harry!"

Dumbledore looked up, "Harry?" Hermione nodded shakily. "My…son?"

McGonagall looked puzzled. "We have a son? I thought Ginny was a girl"

"No… Harry Potter – The Boy Who Lived?"

"Oh, him," said Dumbledore, unenthusiastically. "What's the matter"

She beckoned for him to follow her.

They entered the Gryffindor common room. There was a large group of people clustered around a body on the floor. The crowd parted to let them through. Ron was bent over Harry, slapping him "Wake up!" he was yelling hoarsely "Wake up!"

"Ron," Hermione wept "He's not going to wake up."

Dumbledore pointed his wand at Harry, who blinked once. Everyone began to cheer. Dumbledore smiled "Voldemort has been defeated." There was an eruption of joy.

Harry stood up shakily and joined in, then collapsing to the floor with a shriek and a bang. He lay rocking on the floor, groaning and touching his burning scar. "My scar!" There was a flash of light. Everyone turned around to look at Dumbledore, his wand smoking.

He grinned apologetically, "silencing charm" he explained. "I couldn't bear to hear his voice…"

Harry shuddered and stopped moving. "He's dead!" screamed Ron and Hermione loudly.

"Ah," said Dumbledore bashfully "Maybe it wasn't neither can live while the other survives; it was probably both can live only while the other survives."

Everyone looked confused. "He means if one dies the other one has to too." Explained Hermione.

There was a long silence. Dumbledore wore a look of immense sadness and embarrassment.

And so died Harry Potter, the boy who lived.

Except he didn't. Live, I mean.

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_FINISHED!!! That bit about Albus watching too many muggle movies was referring to Palpatine's line in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The Voldie combustion bit was from one of the books, when it referred to the only way to put your soul back together, which was to repent, which could be very painful and may kill you, which it did, in Voldie's case. That was Pip's idea. Hope you enjoyed the story! Please review, cause it makes us feel good, and all clever and such. Btw, pip and I wrote another collaboration – The Great Oaf. Check it out ::shamelessly advertises my fics:: If you have any questions about something in the fic ask me, cause I'm not sure we tied up all the loose ends. _


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